It’s only a matter of time before China attempts to kill two birds with one stone…

And now, the reason why I’ll never order dominoes again:

Is it okay if i still get the cinnastix?

So a nice Jewish family has invited you over for Passover.  How excited you must be!  Well hold your horses.  Don’t think this is just some BB-Jew (jewish BBQ) where you can waltz on in there, scarf down a plate of pot roast, and bounce.  Oh no.  Passover is a time to commemorate the Chosen People’s emancipation from slavery in Egypt, while you awkwardly shift in and out of eye contact with distant relatives.  It’s like Thanksgiving, except the food is half as good, and you have to wait 6 times as long to get it.  As a lifetime veteran of these seminars, allow me to impart some words of wisdom that will get you through the night a little easier.

1.  Eat A Big Meal Before

That’s right, before you go to the seder, stuff yourself.  You don’t want to be running on empty when its been two hours at the table when all you’ve had are some bitter herbs and matzoh crust.

2.  Wine Is Your Lifeline

Typically, every sederee is entitled to FOUR glasses of wine during the praying.  Stay chuggin!  It’s a lot harder to recite a berakhah when sober, and if you don’t know what a berakhah is, try and sneak five.  You’ll need it.

3. Beware the Maror

There are several items on the centerpiece known as the Seder Plate.  Unless specifically announced in English, you will not know what they are.  At one point, everyone will be told to put some “Maror” on a piece of matzoh and eat it. Be careful.  The “maror” is really horseradish, and it is caliente Jew-Salsa!  Just the smallest amount will make your eyes water.  Consume with caution.

4. Your Idea of Dessert May Be Different from Theirs

At the end of the seder, dessert will be served.  What’s the dessert, you ask?  Cake?  Ice cream? Ice cream cake? Nope, more matzoh.  It will be referred to by the most senior Jew at the table as the “Affikomen”. Although you have been munching on it throughout the night, for some reason, an extra piece of unleavened bread (jew cracker) is considered the dessert.  During the seder, someone will casually get up and hide it.  Look sharp!  If no one finds the Affikomen after dinner, the seder cannot conclude and no one can go home.

5.  Pretend You’re Illiterate

Just because you’re not one of the family doesn’t mean you’ll be counted out.  Each person at the table is expected to recite at least one paragraph from the prayer book.  The only way to get out out of this is to to tell your host that you can’t read.  They may frown upon your lack of general literacy, but at least you won’t have to mispronounce “Shemah B’Mitzvotav” in public.

6.  Find Something To Stare At

Blessings will be recited, stories recanted, and prayers read aloud…and you will be bored to tears. Any attempt to look at your cell phone or clock will be noticed and registered with everyone in attendance.  The best way to pass the time is stare at either some artwork in the room or a cute cousin.

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So I hope you find these tips helpful. Believe me, they are cultivated over a LIFETIME of sitting at the seder table every April staring at the wall.  For extra studying, here’s a link to the Rugrats Passover Special.

Asking me about keeping sneakers clean is like asking Chris Brown for relationship advice.  With this new pair,  I went to our resident sneaker expert, Deadstock Ric, for a few tips.

Deadstock Ric, a supporter and friend to the Loutube Nation is having quite a year.  Aside from running his own successful sneaker business, he has become a growing force in New York’s artistic community.  From supporting local events, to sneaker meetups, to touring all the way up to Canada as a hype man.  He is one of my good friends and knows how to throw a party.    You can see yours truly at his next event.  Yours truly hopes to see mine truly.  Let’s see us there, truly.